Anonymous Story Disordered Eating





It all started when my family and others used to say I was fat and I was overweight or I needed to lose weight. Their words put a lot of pressure on me. I never really noticed I was overweight until I saw myself in a picture and thought "I need to lose weight". The only way I could think of losing weight was too stop eating. The first few weeks I starved myself and I lost at least 5-6 pounds. I was happy with myself and that I had great determination in doing this. I thought that since I had lost weight by doing this, I should keep on doing it till I'm down to the weight I want to be. I would nibble on little things like cheese, cereal, and bread each day. To lose more weight, I would exercise the things I ate that day so there wouldn't be any calories left in my body to gain any weight. I had a hunger for food each day, but to avoid it my mind kept saying that I need to lose weight and I cant just give in like that. The first couple months I ran at least a mile a day and I would do sit ups and a few other exercises. I still ate the same food. By then I lost 15 pounds. Then I would starve myself some more, and eventually I lost another 10 pounds. At the beginning I weighed 160, I now weigh 135.

After months of doing this, my exercising became more and more physical work. Whenever I saw food, I wanted to eat it and taste the food in my mouth because I hadn't tasted it in so long. But I still continued to avoid it. The weird thing is, sometimes when I wanted to eat food, I would, and then after, I would feel so much regret and ask myself why did I do that when I could've lost more weight. And just by eating like a little piece of cheese or bread, I thought I gained weight. I had such a fear of gaining weight. I also had a fear of gaining it all back. So if I ate something, I would go out and run and try to burn it off.

All day the word gaining weight was in my head. It was eating me away. I have given in several times to food, and each time I have felt regret by doing it. But I always say "hey Ill burn it off when I go run" or something like that. But it's a terrible experience to go through. I lied to my parents and said that I eat at lunch and I eat in the mornings before I go to school. But somewhere in their minds they know I have a problem. I know I have a problem, but I don't think it has become that bad to where I need help. Ill give you an example, Just yesterday we went out to eat with my family. My aunt fixed all this good food and it was sitting right in front of me. I wanted to shove everything down my throat just so I could taste the food in my mouth. But I sat there the whole time and stared at it with desire. In my mind I kept debating on whether I should eat it or not, or If I would gain any weight if I ate this or that and what would I do if I ate that. Eventually I ended up eating and felt regret after. It was terrible. The bad thing is. You can lose weight fast by not eating, and you can gain it just as fast by eating. You cant go on forever just eating little things like I do, because once you're going to want to eat a lot and you'll gain it all back, and you'll have to live with the regret. No one wants to go through that. I am currently still anorexic to this day and after I'm done writing this I probably still will. But when it comes down to a serious problem, Ill get help. Thank you